Thursday, January 05, 2006

Probably Too Much Discovery Channel

Without his helmet, Lumpyhead looks a lot more like his dad. Even Bump admits that the baby looks a whole lot like him.

When Lumpyhead emerged, he looked exactly like me. It was kinda neat, and kinda freaky. I found it very odd to look at someone who bore such a striking physical resemblance to me. I'm adopted, so I don't look like anyone in my immediate family. (That last part is funnier in context: I'm Korean. My parents are Dutch. I really, really don't look like anyone in my family.) I expected Lumpyhead to look more like Bump at first - I read/heard/made up that babies look like their fathers as an evolutionary tactic - when they came out looking like daddy, cave man would be more likely to care for them.

Bump didn't need something as silly as physical resemblance to seduce him into caring for this child. Bump has been completely committed to Lumpyhead since long before Lumpyhead was born. Bump has always wanted kids, and has been ready to be a dad for a long time. It didn't surprise me at all that Bump wanted to stay home full-time with the baby.

I always assumed I'd have children, but never felt ready. I'm still not sure I'm ready. I'm not one of those "my life is complete now that I have a baby" kind of women; there was no angel music and heavenly light on the day my son was born. I miss the weekend jaunts, the drinking benders, the double-income freedom. I always said I was responsible about my immaturity - I acted selfishly and recklessly, but I didn't have anyone depending on me, so I could act selfishly and recklessly.

It's like I've been playing for fun my whole life, and suddenly, not only am I playing for money, I'm playing for much higher stakes than I can afford.

So maybe it was an evolutionary tactic for Lumpyhead to come out looking like me. Maybe it was me who needed the caveman push to feel tied to this fabulous little being.

When Lumpyhead was a newborn, he always gave Bump lots of sleep grins. I called it "rewarding his daddy's devotion." Maybe he's still rewarding his daddy - but this time by looking more like him every day.

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