How Do You Know? Parenting Is Such a Crapshoot (Crap Chute?)

Lumpyhead's poop schedule has been a little erratic. Actually, a lot erratic. Bump and I laughed a lot at Lumpyhead's expense during those first few months, when his face would get really red and he'd grunt like some kind of weight lifter to push out the tiniest of poops. "Who does Number 2 work for?" we'd stage shout him, cracking ourselves up every time. I recognize that it's not as funny as Bump and I thought it was, but it still makes me smirk.

Lumpyhead would have a poop or two a day, then go for as much as a week without a dump. We called the pediatrician, who told us to wait it out. Sometimes the bowel droughts would coincide with diet changes, other times not. Eventually Lumpyhead would unload, filling his pants faithfully at every diaper change for a day or two.

Probably around early December, Lumpyhead's diapers started getting a poop smear twice per day or so. Bump and I were sure he was constipated. Sometimes when he was clearly working on something, he would cry. After another call to the pediatrician and some prune juice, Lumpyhead produced a runny poop smear, and Bump and I decided we had gotten all worked up over nothing.

We fretted over the small amount of poop Lumpyhead was producing. "Surely he can't be that efficient at using his food." "He made more poop when he was smaller." "Should we call the doctor again? They probably already think we're nuts - 'the Obsessive Poop Parents are calling again'. . ." He was regular, just not very productive.

Until Saturday.

I have no idea where he's been keeping it. Bump and I had a serious discussion about whether on not he could have shit his own weight by now. Bump is certain Lumpyhead's poop volume has not exceeded the weight of his head, but I think he's gotta be approaching his own mass. It's like watching one of those play-doh extruders with an endless supply of sticky green clay. Stinky green sticky clay.

Predictably, Lumpyhead has developed one hell of a diaper rash. It makes me cringe just to look at it. He screams when we take a wipe to him, so we've resorted to hosing him off in the sink at every diaper change.

Bright side? Bump's not home alone with Lumpyhead while all this is going on. I'm here until Thursday, and my mom's been helping. While he's being hosed down, Lumpyhead looks quizzically between his legs and watches the water run over his unit. My mother finds this hysterical, and has warned that she might wet herself watching the little guy take in all his kitchen sink sprayer bidet action.

Still, the diaper rash looks nasty, so we might bring him into the doctor today. The A&D ointment from Aunt Bob doesn't seem to be doing much against the constant fecal onslaught, and Lumpyhead might be running a low-grade fever. I feel so bad for him - the horrific diaper rash, the constant crapping, the teeth. . .

Oh yes, the teeth. I forgot. His first teeth are finally breaking through. Finally, at 7 1/2 months. I felt them for the first time a week ago Saturday, and now his little pearlies are clearly visible on the bottom. I think the tops are not far away, but what the hell do I know? I let my kid go virtually poopless for two months without intervention.