Hey Dumbass

For the longest time, I’ve wanted to be an advice columnist. My column would be entitled “Hey Dumbass,” and I would answer most of my letters thusly:

Dear Dumbass,

Stop being a dumbass.

Bump points out that I probably wouldn’t receive very many letters.

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Okay, so maybe people won’t write in to an advice columnist who calls them stupid. I’m not gonna let that stop me, though. I’ll either make up letters or steal them from Hax or Amy. Hax used to have an edge in her column, but I fear she's softened over the past couple of years. She used to offer a good verbal bitch-slap every now and again, but I haven't seen that from her in awhile. I miss it. I hope motherhood didn't mellow her out too much. Maybe it was syndication.

From "Ask Amy," published in the Washington Post on January 8, 2005:

Dear Amy:

I just received an invitation from my best friend to her wedding in three weeks. I am very upset by this. She is someone I talk to almost every day and see at least three to four times a week. She has been engaged for almost a year.

What I don't understand is how she could keep something like this from me. I wanted to be a part of her special day, or at least help with the food or the dress -- anything besides a funky little invitation. Her reason for not telling me about the wedding is because she says I am too bossy, which I do not deny. However, she could have at least told me and kindly declined any offers from me to help plan her wedding.

I have no intentions of going to her wedding, and I am considering ending this friendship. Am I being unreasonable?

Dear Dumbass,

Unreasonable? No. Not for a crazy control freak. You're not going to attend your best friend's wedding because she wouldn't let you plan it. Your best friend - to whom you speak nearly every day - managed not to answer the question "So what's new with you?" with "Christ, the caterer is being a dick, the hotel won't expand the block even though they have rooms available and my mother is driving me nuts." You had no idea she was planning a wedding, even though she's been engaged for almost a year? You never bothered to ask, even in passing, how the planning was going, had they set a date, anything? You two sound close. I'm just guessing, but I bet she doesn't refer to you as her "best friend."