Monday, August 21, 2006

Polyp Polyp Fizz Fizz

Bump is having a colonoscopy tomorrow.

It's just a routine screen. He's young for the procedure, but given his family history, his doctor thought it would be a good idea to have it done now. Plus we have a lot of flexible spending account money that I'm worried will go unused, so we're frantically trying to use all the health care we can. (Ack. The FSA people decided Lumpyhead's helmet, which I had factored into this year's allowance, was a 2005 expense - grumble grumble.)

There is a great deal of preparation for this lovely event. Over the weekend, Bump was barred from eating certain things, mostly foods high in iron or fiber. So the things I'm supposed to eat because I'm growing a baby (spinach, beans, nuts) and the things we've been giving Lumpyhead to keep him regular (dried fruit, berries, whole grains) were off-limits to Bump. Aunt Bob called us the Jack Spratt Family.

Today, Bump has been on a clear liquid diet, otherwise known as the saddest group of allowable foods ever. Even the slightly fun stuff he can eat (jello, popsicles) are restricted to no orange or red or purple, which leaves lime and . . .well, lime. Bleah. Last night he had serious doubts that he would be able to make it through the day without passing out.

When I get home tonight, he'll start the pills, which along with a dosing schedule came with the admonition "REMAIN CLOSE TO TOILET FACILITIES." Yikes. Fun times lie ahead at Casa Lumpyhead. Fun times and a lot of candles and air freshener, I'm guessing.

This is all very good (I'm glad he's having this valuable test done, ahead of schedule, no less!) but slightly annoying (chicken broth without noodles or veggies is just sad. And can a grown man survive for a day on only gatorade without going insane?) and really, really funny (no corn? REMAIN CLOSE TO TOILET FACILITIES? Ah ha ha ha hah).

As Aunt Bob said, "When it's just a precautionary measure, there's nothing about a colonoscopy that's not funny." We've been saying it's for shits and giggles; Bump gets the shits, and we get to giggle.

(Hey look! This blog can be about poop and buttholes without even mentioning Lumpyhead!)

So while you sit down to dinner tonight, think of poor Bump with his lemonade gatorade, green apple jello and lime popsicle. I'm making hotdish for myself.


Washington Cube said...

I had a colonscopy this spring when they thought I might have an undiagnosed source of internal bleeding. I went through the whole prep thing as well. And I'll tell you, the prep is worse than the procedure, and everyone will tell you that. One good bit of advice I received from a friend was to start eating light and fasting days before the prep, and that helped a lot I think.

CPA Mom said...

I had the procedure last year which is when they found my disease (not cancer, thank G_d).

The prep is MUCH worse. The procedure is a piece of cake.

Two cautions for Bump: If it feels like a fart, IT ISN'T - you will need to get to the toliet pronto.

Also, don't arrive early if the doctor's office isn't open until the exact time of your appointment and it is in a building with no public restrooms. 'nuf said.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

If I would have read this before I started talking to you I would have been much less confused this morning.

I hope all went well.

Poor Bump.

Aunt Bob (still giggling) said...

Glad it all came out OK -- if you know what I mean. Bump sounded none the worse for wear this afternoon.

Em said...

OK, so I am reading this well after it already happened, but hope that poor Bump is better and is resting comfortably on a log somewhere.