A Catalog Costume Review

I'm not sure how we got on the mailing list, but Bump and I have been intrigued by the One Step Ahead catalog. Along with baby toys and feeding gadgets, the store features safety items and other things designed to make a parent's life easier.

For example, we seriously considered buying this for our trip to Minnesota, until someone told me I could just expand the carseat straps to their max and slip them over my own shoulders to carry the thing through the airport. (While that worked great for me, it would not have been a solution for Bump.)

The most recent catalog arrived, and the big item is Halloween costumes. While I had great fun making Aunt Bob's Little Guy's Halloween costume before Lumpyhead was born, I'm not one of those crazy people who are opposed to store-bought Halloween costumes. In fact, I think store-bought are great; Lumpyhead had two of 'em last year.

One was a lobster, which was cuter than the one on this page; Lumpyhead's was more whimsical. This one seems a little too biologically correct or something. Also, the wizard? Very cute, although the fact that the baby looks like he's standing weirds me out a little bit. Like the costume might endow your baby with actual magic powers.

The Elmo and Cookie Monster costumes are odd (is the muppet eating the baby?) but for the superhero set, there are a bunch of cute ones. The Darth Vader cracks my shit up every time I see it. Every. Time.

Now, while I admit I'm not opposed to store costumes, some just confuse me. Holly Hobbie? Really? She was lame when I was little, is she still around? And would you really get "Holly Hobbie" from this picture without the helpful description? Because I'm totally getting "Laura Ingalls as a Zombie."

Even though the kid in this pumpkin costume looks like he just shit himself, the costume is cute. The chicken is a little odd, mostly because it's supposed to be coming out of its shell. I'm all for chicken costumes, but the whole "hatching chick" concept creeps me out a little. The real kicker on this page, though, is the clown. What is up with the clown? First off, clowns are scary. Second, WTF is with the photoshopped balloons? I just don't get it.

If you're looking to pair costumes for your son and daughter, here are three options. Too bad they're all dumb. Honestly. The football player looks like his parents are trying to disguise one of those Neurotic Parent Helmets.

Yeah. One of these jobs.
I'll admit it. I want to shove that kid just because he's wearing that thing.

Look, I had a kid who wore a molding helmet for a couple months, and the worst thing about it was that some people thought it was protective rather than therapeutic. I really didn't mind questions about the helmet, but was always horribly embarrassed when people thought I was the kind of person who would buy one of these. Gah.

I would make fun of more stuff in the catalog, but I'm worried that I might get a comment like "I have that and it's great." Not that I think any of you are nutty enough to buy dumb stuff, but you never know. Aunt Bob and I once visited a friend and discovered that she had wrapped her entire coffee table in foam to prevent her child from injuring himself on the edges. The edges weren't even very sharp. She seemed normal to us before that visit, but since then neither of us have been able to get past the fact that she's the batshit chick who wrapped her coffee table in foam.

So, it's not that I'm worried about you being crazy. In fact, I hope you're a little nuts; I like nuts. I just don't want you to become ______, that crazy blogger who has a bib that straps your kid to you during an airplane ride (but isn't approved for takeoff, taxi or landing).