But at different stores. And, you know, in different sizes.
Bump's new shoes:
Lumpyhead's new shoes:
(I would post a photo of my new shoes, but this already boring me to tears.)
We exchanged some things at Janie and Jack and got Lumpyhead some cute clothes. The whole time I felt like such a fraud.
Crazy Brain: They know you can't really afford to shop here, and the sales people are just humoring you. They're totally gonna talk about you when you leave.
Less Crazy Brain: [defensively] I could afford to shop here, if I wanted. I just don't. Because those shoes cost $34, which is more than I just spent on my shoes at DSW.
Dutch Brain: Cheap DSW shoes. Woot!
Conspicuous Consumer Brain: [rolls eyes] That is such a lie. You wish you spent every dollar and every spare minute you have in stores like this.
Dutch Brain: Hey! This tee shirt you just picked up for Lumpyhead costs $20! You don't own tee shirts that cost $20, and you wear them for like, fifteen years. And the pricetag on this jumper reads $25. That can't be right, can it? It's supposed to be on sale. What? AAAARRRGH! [Dutch Brain explodes]
Conspicuous Consumer Brain: Wheee! Get that hat, too.
In addition to feeling like I didn't really belong in this lovely upscale store, I felt like I was under pressure the whole time. Pressure to get the best deal, mostly. I wanted to make sure I got the best value for the items I was returning. I was so out of my element. (What is my element? I dunno, Target? With a beer buzz and a barbeque sauce stain on my shirt?)
The items I was returning were gifts. I loved them, but the sizing wasn't quite right. The clothes would fit Lumpyhead now, but are not really suited for warm weather, and we could probably only get one wearing out of each of them. For the price, I wanted to make sure we got lots and lots of wearings from each item.
Plus, the stuff is heart-meltingly cute.
Dutch Brain: Am still here. Am not happy. Am pouting.
Conspicuous Consumer Brain: You forgot the matching socks, Dumbass.
Today's Inappropriate Thing to Do/Say Around the Baby
Bump and I often speak for Lumpyhead, but as Disgruntled Teenager Lumpyhead. "Mom! Don't kiss me! All my friends will see. This is so embarrassing." (I guess that's more like Smartass Five-Year-Old Lumpyhead.)
Bump (as baby): You guys are so lame. This shoe store is boring.
Me (as baby): Sheeeeyit, yo.
Bump: You know, the baby's going to grow up to be a real potty mouth if we don't start watching it. (Read: Maybe you should stop putting curse words into our baby's mouth before he can talk.)
Me: Oh no. The baby will associate cussing with low vocabulary. He will grow up to express himself eloquently and use real adjectives rather than five variations of fuck. Or different inflections of dude.
Bump: [skeptically] You think so, huh?
Me: Yeah, just like he'll pitch in the Big Leagues some day.
Bump: What do you mean? [offended] Are you suggesting he won't pitch in the Majors?
Me: Of course not.
3 comments:
I think Bump is right. I'm thinking Ian may have said "bullshit" today. In context.
I hope my Mother-in-law doesn't read your blog!
I think little guy had those shoes. But I fear that we'll have a hard time leaving light up sneakers for sandals this summer.
And I'm with Bump in holding out hope for the majors (or heck even the NBA). And I can just hear one of them now, "the first thing I did was buy a house for my Daddy, yo."
Hey, I Like bar-b-que - even if it does stain. See that's the great thing about having kids - you can go to Target with the bar-b-que stain and everyone will asume that the kid smeared it on you just before you got to the store, so no big!
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