Monday, April 24, 2006

I May Be a Bit Punchy

Last night, I briefly considered going to the gym this morning. When I stopped laughing, I thought seriously about going. Then I realized it would be hard to afford diapers for Lumpyhead and the monkeys that would fly out of my butt.

One point in favor of the ass-monkeys is that we could probably teach them to type, and they could write a post or two for me when I’m in a slump.

Immediate point against the butt-monkeys: their posts might be better than mine.

Lumpyhead woke up this morning around 4 a.m. I didn’t get back to sleep. Can you tell? I’m a little scattered today, and I’m walking about with the “crazy eyes” look. I imagine that around 3:30 p.m., once the after-lunch drowsies kick in, I will find something so hysterically funny that I pee a little. Or I’ll get blood-boilingly angry about something insignificant.

And now for a recurring segment we’ll call “Inappropriate Thing to Do/Say Around the Baby”:

When I finish reading Lumpyhead a book, I say, “The End!” Then I add, “[Something] butt.”

The "something" is usually related to the picture on the back cover. For example, at the end of Little Quack, I proclaim, “The End! Duck butt.”

At the end of Brown Bear, Brown Bear, I announce, “The End! Bear butt.”

Which I think is funny, ‘cuz, com’on, bear butt? Bare butt? Get it? Get it? (Shut up, I’m tired)

At the end of most books, I wind up saying, “The End. Book butt.”

Not so inappropriate, you’re thinking? (Actually, I really hope you’re thinking that. Because if you think “butt” is inappropriate, we’re really not going to get along very well.)

At the end of The Very Quiet Cricket, instead of the usual “the end” statement, I sing “BOMP a chicka BOM baw” and ask if someone ordered a pizza. Or if someone reported a broken copier.

I don’t want to ruin the ending for those of you who haven’t read this Eric Carle masterwork, but in the end, the Very Quiet Cricket meets a Girl Cricket and starts chirping. I think we all know what happens next. (cue porn music)


nonlineargirl said...

The bear butt makes perfect sense, since the back cover shows the back of the bear. A few months ago, I thought up the text for a sequel to the Brown Bear and Polar Bear books (Stink Bug, Stink Bug, What Do You Smell?) Too bad Eric Carle is no longer living, or I'd get him to make an animal butt for the back cover of this book. No need to ask what you smell when you see that.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Makes perfect sense to me, but then again, I haven't slept through the night in two years.

I'll most likely add "Bear Butt" to my "The End" on the end of my books now too. Ian will think it is hilarious.

Daddy L said...

At least your read to Lumpyhead, we've really got to get on that. Does reading Savage Love out loud with him in the room count?

The Boy sleeps a solid 10 hours a night, moans a little bit around 3:00am, but usually falls back to sleep by himself.

Yet for some reason I'm still exhausted most of the time. Go figure.

Mom101 said...

Innapropriate, my butt! I think butts are very good indeed, and the word itself is even better. (And you know how I feel about Brown Bear.)

The problem with those ass monkeys however is that they never fly out to write blog posts. It's always Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet.

Gidge said...

We're all about butts around here. We go to the zoo and it's "look at the RHINO BUTT! it's got a big butt mom!" and on and on, just insert animal name + butt. And THAT butt is big.
Sickest thing I ever saw was a buffalo taking a huge dump and peeing, then the BOY buffalo who apparently has fetish issues came over and, ahem, cleaned her up - so to speak.
My three year old shouts "He's LICKING HER BUTT MOM!"
So while Butts are all good.....beware of the consequences.

I used to tell people that I would only let my kid watch Southpark because I wanted him to talk like Cartman - because I thought it was funny.

Yeah, it would be funny alright.
Getting kicked out of playgroups and preschool funny.....

Mom at Work said...

At least you don't have pets named "poopies." Now *that's* inappropriate (yet somehow fitting).

Queen of Spain said...

Hmmmm. Butt Monkeys.