Somebody needs to go on a diet

By Bump

Lumpyhead had a routine follow-up appointment today with the pediatric surgeon who performed his butthole embiggening.

Our exam room had a scale. It had been a while since I’d been on one, so I decided to weigh myself. I’d lost a few pounds after Lumpyhead was born—not a lot, but enough so that people commented on it and my pants kept sliding down my butt. This was partly because LHM was burning so many calories with breastfeeding that she was eating my leftovers for once, not vice versa; and partly because being a stay-at-home dad afforded me little opportunity to snack. Or eat lunch, for that matter.

Pre-Lumpyhead, I think the heaviest I’d ever been was about 290; by a couple of months ago, I was down to 265. Well, I stepped on the scale today, growing increasingly worried as I slid the little weight further and further to the right (the big weight was already on 250; I wasn’t fooling myself). I couldn’t believe it when the balance finally dropped on the 48.

298? Two-hundred and ninety-freakin-eight pounds?!?!?!? I was stunned. I mean, I know I’ve been indulging my sweet tooth a bit too regularly lately, but this is ridiculous. I need to go on a diet ASAP. Exercise. The whole nine yards. Holy crap.

Anyway, the rest of the appointment was fine. After a 45 minute wait, we saw the doctor for less than 5 minutes, and we were on our way. It wasn’t until we were in the car that I realized that I’d been holding Lumpyhead when I was on the scale.

[sigh]

What an idiot.