You Gotta Have Friends

As Lumpyhead grows up, I hope he is blessed with good friends. I hope he finds the kind of friends that I have. The kind who feel like family.

My friends are all smarter than me. I think this is a brilliant strategy on my part, to have really smart friends.

Because in the end, if your friends aren't smarter than you, why have them around? Shouldn't your friends be able to give you an answer to a crossword puzzle or help you work through your problems or bail you out of jail? (I mean, if you're all sitting in the hooskow together, you're kinda fucked.) You should have at least one friend who consistently has better judgment than you, right?

I like to think I'm not a complete drain on the relationship; I bring something to the party. They may be smarter than me in certain respects, but I can hold my own in others.

(I guess I have some friends who aren't smarter than me at all, but they're certainly a blast to be around. Those friends who are dumber than me in all respects, who make poorer choices than I do, are endlessly entertaining. Those three things are probably related, come to think of it.)

If you are judged by the company you keep, I look pretty good. My friends are funny. They can laugh at themselves and others. They all possess that unique knack for self deprecation while still being able to openly ridicule dumb people.

My friends are reliable. I can honestly say if I made some odd, urgent request of any one of them right now, they would all come through for me. If I called and said I needed a ride to Philadelphia for something important, most would be at my door in twenty minutes. Some would be there in less time, particularly if the something important was a cheesesteak.

So here's hoping Lumpyhead chooses the right sort of people to hang with. People who are smart, funny, and reliable. Maybe even good-looking. I want him to know what a great thing true, lifelong friends are.


By the way, I'm not talking about you, so stop grinning like a monkey. You're the entertaining one.