Thursday, June 29, 2006

Crankypants Strikes Again

In case you're wondering, I'm still really cranky. I've managed to avoid the full-on puking [knocks wood furiously], but the dry heaves and nausea are still hanging around.

I've tried to explain morning sickness thusly: it's like a constant, low-grade hangover.

Let's imagine, shall we? Say you have an early meeting tomorrow morning, but a good friend is in town for only one night so you agree to meet up for some beers. After about four hours, some good conversation, and before-you-know-it holy-cow-that-many? beers, you bow out. You've got a respectable buzz, but nothing too goofy. Your judgment is intact enough that you decide not to drive home. You're leaving the action at the crucial tipping point in the evening. If you stuck around, you'd be doing Jagermeister shots with your buddies; instead, you're going home and going to bed, because you have to be at the office early.

But when you wake up in the morning, you're a little foggy. You had planned to hit the gym before going into the office, but abandon that idea quickly. Your goal of getting to work 30 minutes ahead of time slips and you roll in five minutes before your meeting starts. You can function just fine, but your tummy is a little tender. The smell of your colleague's egg sandwich might be the most disgusting thing to ever touch your nostrils. You eat lunch an hour later than usual, because nothing sounds even slightly appealing.

For the most part, that is what being pregnant is like.

But this low-grade hangover is punctuated by intermittent bouts of severe, gut-rotting, I'm-never-drinking-again hangover. You know what I mean: it's 11:30 on Saturday morning. You can remember snippets of the previous night up to a certain point, and what you can recall is pretty funny. You woke up at 8:00 a.m. to pee, felt like shit, so drank some water and took some aspirin. Now, your head isn't pounding any more, but you feel like absolute crap and one sip of orange juice makes you gag. An attempt to eat some fruit salad fails miserably, you puke it up in less than 10 minutes.

So, if you have this terrible hangover, what can you do?
1) Blame yourself, because you drank that much.
2) Vow never, ever to do it again.
3) Have a light beer around 3:30 p.m. and start the party over again.

Guess which one I always picked? Go on, guess.

If you're feeling this way because you're pregnant, however, what are your options?
1) Blame your husband, because it's his fault you're knocked up. Demand popsicles.
2) Vow that next time around, he's carrying the fetus, so help you god. He'll condescendingly agree, because he knows it will shut you the hell up. He may also bring you a popsicle.
3) Complain about not being able to drink. Demand another popsicle. Object loudly to the fact that the popsicle is not made of rum. Settle for strawberry.

Guess what happens in our house?


laurie said...

i had something soothing and relevant to say, but then i got the super secret code word ickvoof and i just knew i had to tell you. because for me? that's what the first trimester feels like.

i, too, never succombed to praying at the white altar, but my entire first trimester was about feeling car-sick. the kind of car-sick that you get when you look down for a second at a magazine or a map just as the driver zigs around a curve that your body thought you were going to zag around. in that instant, you know you're going to spend the day feeling like you just rode that ride at Carowinds where you climb into a giant cylinder that spins around so fast you stick to the wall and then the floor drops out from under you. and then the whole rest of the day you're drinking Coke to try to get rid of the feeling.

that's how i felt the whole first trimester. plus i had this crappy crap taste in my mouth that never went away. not a metallic taste (which is what everyone seemed to assume, as though i was known to suck pennies?) but a sweat-socky-breath-could-melt-concrete kind of taste (except somehow my breath wasn't actually affected).

anywho, enough about me. sorry you're feeling so cranky and crappy. you make bump fetch you as many popsicles as you want, little darlin.

oh, also, mysteriously, your rss feed thingy suddenly works again. so, there's that.

Karin's Korner said...

My gosh you are hysterical!! I love your blog. Came across it quite by accident but I am so glad that I did.

I am also from Minnesota, well I grew up in Minneapolis but as an adult I jumped the puddle to Wisconsin and then about 5 years ago came to NC (long story).

Thanks for sharing your life, it is wonderful and your baby is so darn cute:)