Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Rest Assured that I Am Very Stimulated

Hey, did you know the government is giving away money? Not "guy in front of the Capitol wearing a question mark suit" free money, but "actual, for reals y'all, dollahs in your bank account" money. It's true!

I'd heard some rumors about stimulus payments, but I regard most of those media reports with extreme skepticism. When Kai Ryssdal tells me "Congress is considering . . . blah blah blah" it goes in one ear and out the other. Partisan bickering and a huge federal deficit plus - you know - the [airquotes] Senate [airquotes] (Deliberative Body my ass. It's a bunch of old codgers and their hoity-toity staff blathering about -- OH HI Aunt Bob. Didn't see you there. Would you like some candy? Ahem. Anyway) means most of those Marketplace stories might as well be offers to enlarge my penis.

Add in a disclaimer about phase-outs at certain income points and the "do nothing but file your tax return as the law requires" rigorous application process, and never thought I would see any cash.

Then I heard reports that "the government will start mailing checks soon" and I was still all "Phfffttt [rolls eyes, makes lame jerking-off hand motion], whatever."

Then. Yesterday.

Woo fricken hoo! Who's your uncle? Who's your uncle?

SAM. Sam is my uncle.

I got my rebate check yesterday. Rather, my bank account got an unexpected infusion of cash from my employer and your favorite bureaucracy: the feddul gubmint.

SSN ending in a low number? Check. Direct deposit for 2007 tax refund? Check. Stimulus payment? Virtual check.

I’ve got some cash flow concerns this month, what with the bucketloads of money I forked over to the contractor and whatnot. So when I checked my bank balance and it was much larger than I expected – on the day before payday – I kind of panicked.

Efficiency! From my IRS. Who would have imagined?

Oh, hey, did you know you get extra money for kids? I did not know that, and I work here. (Jesus, woman. Pay just a little bit of attention.) I'm sure Kai mentioned that at some point, but I was probably merging around cherry blossom traffic or mulling an offer to gain 3+ inches at the time.


Aunt Bob said...

For what it's worth, I think your kids are worth way more than $300 each. I just wish that I'd listed Pete first with his low, low last 2 digits versus me and my decidedly medium last 2.

With pinky raised, hoitily (not to mention toitily),

Aunt Bob

De in D.C. said...

It's funny that they're sending out these checks (or direct-depositing them as the case may be) before they're even done processing tax refunds. I haven't received my refund yet. Admittedly I didn't file until 4/12, but that's beside the point.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Stupid SSN ending in a high number.


Em said...

It's hilarious that you didn't know you got extra scratch for the kids.

I've actually contemplated buying a new fridge with the dough but will probably squirrel it away out of spite.

p-man said...

So, Marketplace is going to enlarge your, I mean, your spouse's penis? I wonder if I can get that channel here.

Stimey said...

Waiting...waiting...waiting...I want my free money already!

Misfit Hausfrau said...

COngrats! Too bad the IRS didn't send us the $600 for our kids. My husband has been on hold twice over two days for a total of two hours to fix it.

DBN said...

Oh good! You are the first person I have read that has actually gotten the money. Hope mine comes in soon!