Withdrawal

I'm back at work after nine straight days with the boy, and it's remarkably difficult to remain focused. I didn't expect to miss him so much.

The trip to Minnesota was very nice. Despite not having an internet connection, a cell signal or blackberry service, Bump and I survived okay. Lumpyhead met his great-grandmother. We saw cousins and met their children and ate sloppy joes in the park on the Fourth of July. Lumpyhead got his first haircut from the woman who cut my hair when I was growing up. It cost $8. (I didn't tip her, because she owns the shop, but I felt weird about it. I read somewhere that the convention of not tipping the shop owner is falling out of favor. I took some comfort in the fact that neither she nor her employees are accustomed to being tipped from their regular customers.)

My parents spoiled Lumpyhead and paraded him around town. They encouraged us to go away and let them have their grandson to themselves get out and do stuff, which was a bit of a challenge. Bump and I played a round of golf with the one high school friend with whom I've maintained contact. (Yes, I keep in touch with only one of my high school classmates, but that's 3.7 percent of my graduating class. Do you still talk to 3.7 percent of your high school classmates?) We saw Superman Returns. (Pretty good. Lots of father-son themes. We saw the movie at the Northland Cinemas in Worthington, and were the only people in the theater. Seriously. It was 1 pm on a Thursday, but still. There were two people in the theater, and we were they.)

Lumpyhead was introduced to chickens and got licked by a cow.

My parents are very excited that they will soon have two grandchildren. At the airport, my father read the back of Lumpyhead's shirt aloud and my mother just sort of stared blankly at us for awhile. Then she said something like "Thank God" or "Praise the Lord" which she meant entirely in the non-sacrilegious sense. We captured the moment on video, and I will post it if I can just get my head out my butt on that front.

Ditto with Lumpyhead getting licked by a cow.

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While we're on the topic of withdrawal, allow me to say that non-alcoholic beer sucks.

It sucks ass. It sort of tastes like regular beer, but at the end of the bottle it fails to produce the enhanced feeling of well-being and the realization that the people around you are awesome and funny.

So it's like beer, except it doesn't do beer's job. It's like a mute spokesmodel who isn't very attractive.