Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me

I throw away $16 a month on a gym membership. The House of Representatives started subsidizing Gold's Gym memberships a couple of years ago, so I joined.

I went pretty faithfully for awhile. I wasn't committed to dropping pounds, but wanted to get in better shape, and if I lost some weight, it would be a nice bonus. I stopped going before I was pregnant (so I can't blame the laziness on that) and I haven't darkened the gym door since.

Last weekend I considered putting my membership to use. Our plumbing had backed up. It wasn't an emergency kind of backup, so we decided to wait until Monday to call a plumber. I was gonna go to the gym to use the shower.

The thought of getting on the treadmill before hitting the locker room never once crossed my mind.

There are a couple reasons why I'm not concerned about my Unused Gym Membership.

Reason #1: I could throw away $16 a month on dumber things. For example:

• I don't get designer coffee any more. I got off the caffeine wagon when I was pregnant and haven't gotten back on. (The alcohol wagon, yes. Caffeine? Oh no, caffeine is the Devil's beverage.) That daily buck-fifty alone is worth twice the UGM.

• I don't hit happy hours any more, where I could throw away $16 on two drinks (or less).

I realize I should be making every penny count, being on one income and all, but I'm not really thinking about cancelling the UGM. I waver a little when I aggregate the UGM over the many months my card has sat stagnant on my keychain (geez, that's over $300. We're starting to talk about real money, now.)

Reason #2: Shooting all this milk from my chest has really melted away the lbs.

I'm not telling anyone to buy the line about "nursing will help you get back your pre-pregnancy figure." That's crap. Pre-pregnancy figures don't return without surgery.

But . . . burning extra calories a day + the absence of oral contraceptives = rapid weight loss. Add "drinking in moderation" (as opposed to what I used to do) and you've got yourself the prescription for a 60-pound weight reduction from the day Lumpyhead emerged. I'm down to my college weight. Of course, everything has shifted to different places.

Added Bonus: I can eat like a linebacker.

Bump decreed that my body has decided it's done losing weight, and now wants me to maintain, so ramped up the appetite. I can consume comical amounts of food and still be hungry.

Big Down Side: none of my clothes fit.

I hate to shop. Shopping for clothes is like some sort of punishment. Plus, buying an entire new wardrobe is not really in the budget - the total UGM wouldn't cover more than a couple cheap suits.

My colleagues are not charitable about my clothing. This ridicule is much-deserved, as Bump will often ask gently if I'm really wearing that. If I manage to escape the house without Bump's critique, I'll get it at work. Over the past five months I've actually been told:

"You look like you're wearing your mom's suit."

"Those pants are waaaay too big for you."

"You really can't wear that any more."

"Fuck you, you skinny mini." (from the woman who's always on a diet. I actually hear that last one a lot.)

These comments spur me to acquire clothing that doesn't look silly. I know this because when I come to work looking even slightly foolish, I'm told, quite candidly, that I look like a clown.

So back to the UGM, which I'm not cancelling. I like to think that on the great "someday," I'll start going again. Someday when I decide to turn this new skinnier-but-flabbier me into a MILF. Someday when I no longer equate "every minute not at work" with "time to spend with Lumpyhead."

Besides, $16 is worth the peace-of-mind that I've got an alternative place to shower.

In the end I didn't use the gym shower. I just went to work on Monday kinda stinky. I don't think anyone noticed; I was wearing new pants.