Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Dr. Ass-Cue

We finally have an explanation for Lumpyhead's poop difficulties; he has an anorectal malformation which will require surgery to correct.

Lumpyhead has been going for long periods without poops, only to unleash, unhappily, over a stretch of two days or so. Turns out his little bunghole is too small.

When he was younger, we called his bottom his "little icing tip" because poop would come out in a tiny stream you could use to decorate a cake. We figured it would get bigger. It did. But apparently not big enough.

Over the weekend, he was straining to poop while his diaper was off, and I noticed that poop was coming out of a tiny pinhole about a half an inch away from his anus. That spurred us to go to the doctor. Yesterday, Lumpyhead's pediatrician diagnosed an anal fistula and referred us to a pediatric gastroenterologist and a pediatric surgeon.

That's right. My son literally ripped himself a new one.

We had our first consult with the surgeon this morning, and she'll perform surgery in the next month or so to make Lumpyhead's anus larger and repair the fistula. The surgeon's name is Dr. Askew, which I think is funny. It's not pronounced like "off-kilter," but rather with the emphasis on the first syllable. She seems very nice, and inordinately competent, so I feel bad about making fun of the name, but come on.

I'm trying to keep the mood light (otherwise I will probably lose it), so I keep making jokes about Lumpyhead's upcoming surgery. Ass cracks, if you will. Lumpyhead might grow up to be a jerk, but we can always tell him he's not a big enough asshole.

He needs butt surgery? Bummer.


Anyway, have at it. Please post your best anus joke, or I will be a jiggling bucket of nerves for the next four weeks.


Heather said...

Poor little guy! I'm so sorry to hear he needs surgery. I am sure everything will go well. I had surgery when I was five (much older than Lumpyhead I know) but everyone was so nice. I think they are extra caring towards the kids. Still, I would probably be a basketcase over it too.

I didn't have any anus jokes, so I went looking and came up with this:

Bubba died in a fire, and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and brought in Gomer next to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.’”

Too close to home?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I've been racking my brain all day and I have no anus jokes.

Actually, I don't have any good jokes at all.

Poor little Lumpyhead. I'm sure everything will work out fine with his buttholes.

brianwho? said...

Oh man. Well, kudos to you: I'm not sure I could have made others laugh their asses off over an anorectal malformation. Seriously, I appreciate anyone who can make their own kid the butt of a good joke. You were cracking me up.

Seriously, I think seeing poo come out some other hole in Miles's tush would freak my shit out. Right out the wrong hole. I really hope it all comes out okay in the end.

twosox said...

We had Dr. Askew fix our daughter's umbilical hernia a little over a year ago. (She sort of "blew a gasket" in her crying spells...)

Dr. Askew is excellent, and you should at least feel good about finding a great surgeon to help you.

Good luck!

Playing Blackjack said...

These are all fairy tales!