Thursday, June 12, 2008

Warning Signs

Not to make light of suicide (self-inflicted death! Ha! HilARious.) but have you ever noticed how many warning signs and risk factors for suicide align with parenthood? New parenthood, in particular?

History of harming oneself
You just know that 15-pound vampire is going to bite you with those four new teeth - again - but you stick your boob in his mouth anyway.

Change in sleep patterns
Five hours of sleep? In a row? A pipe dream.

Change in weight and eating habits
Thirty pounds or more from pregnancy. Some of which might go away after delivery. Definitely going away after delivery is the opportunity to eat more than a peanut butter sandwich for lunch at 3 in the afternoon.

Feeling trapped or hopeless
You fed the baby at 3:20 a.m. - and at 4:05 a.m. - but at 4:45 she's rooting around like she's hungry again.

Withdrawing from friends and society
I have been pregnant or nursing since September 2004 and I haven't gotten out much since.

Diminished sexual interest
Two words: vaginal delivery. If those two words don't trip you up, how about these: who the hell has time for a shower, much less that?

Fear of losing control
In the parenting realm, that is not a fear, it's a reality. Mommy's Little Pumpkin will inevitably learn to say no.

Low self-esteem
It's hard to feel good about yourself when you've been vomited and peed on in a fifteen minute span, but know you won't get a shower for at least another six hours.

Dramatic mood changes
I've never loved anyone so deeply in my life. [Seconds later] Dear lord, grant me a ten-minute break from this little psychopath. [Seconds later] Awww, he looks exactly like his father when he does that. [Seconds later] God, I hate his father. But I wish that guy would hurry home. [Seconds later] Look at that! This child is a genius. [Seconds later] Look at that. This child surely must be brain damaged.

Expressing the desire to die
I can say without equivocation that since I became a parent, this much is true: I want to die . . . long before my children do.


Em said...

I was listening to an audio lecture once that discussed post-partum depression. The only detail I remember is that research was difficult to conduct because they couldn't find a control group (i.e. All the mothers were already depressed!)

There are days when I think my burning desire for children was just a measure of the selfishness of my genes.

And then they are cute and sweet again ... for about a minute.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...


2) Am I pregnant or suicidal? Just a parent?

Violet said...

the very fact that you've managed to get yourself pregnant 3 times, means that your sex drive hasn't diminished as much as mine has ;-)

"I'm Rachel" said...

Totally true and completely hilarious.