Wednesday, November 08, 2006

It’s a Good Kind of Screwed, I Guess

I’m okay, I’m okay.

Sorry to scare some of you out there (but thanks for the nice emails of worry, I feel so important. And like such a drama queen).

Democrats won control of the House, which means my job changes significantly. We have to expand the staff, manage new tasks, and - you know - govern and shit.

There’s so much stuff I don’t know, I don’t even know how to begin learning what I don’t know.

It’s as if someone tossed you the keys to the Arizona Cardinals’ front office last night and said, “Okay, Dumbfuck, here you go. Good luck with that.” For all your self-proclaimed fantasy football prowess, I’m guessing you would have no idea what to do next.

You gonna make some trades there, Bigshot? Where do you start? Were you just planning to call Alan Faneca and Orlando Pace, assuming their home numbers would be in the rolodex on the desk in your office? Hell, you don’t even know where your new office is, much less what is in there. Do you know what sort of salary cap issues you’re dealing with, or the terms of the current contracts? Does the players’ union have something to say about this transaction?

While you’re spinning, I should ask if you plan to keep the coaching staff, or bring in new people. Who are you going to bring in? Your brother-in-law and that guy from Accounting who consistently places in the top five in your office fantasy league? What about that dude who seems to have a knack for getting a good draft position? You know, the one who always names his team something borderline-offensive. Helpful hint: You might find that all the reputably good coaches already have jobs. What makes you think they want to come work for you?

You'll need to look into media contracts, the ad budget, stadium revenue, and recruiting prospects, for starters. And the cheerleading director, who got your number somehow, wants to know if you’ll consider expanding the squad by four.

While for some people this is very exciting, I would describe it as terrifying.

Oh, and I should remind you that in the middle of the transition and turf claiming and first-time stumbling, I’ll be having a baby.

Screwed.

11 comments:

Auntly H said...

I am sorry you're screwed, but I have to say I've got more hope than I have in a long time. Except for what happened in WI. WTF is up with that? I'm about ready to give up my cheesehead for gopher teeth.

Em said...

What happened to the rest being gravy once the important stuff is covered? It will be OK. You are uber-competent. But it may cut into your blogging time, which would be a shame.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

... to think I watched all the way through [enter secret state name here] to make sure your guy won.

Kemp said...

Could be worse... you could be a Republican...

Mom at Work said...

You'll be great. Couldn't be worse than the current "front office."

Melissa said...

Maybe watching reruns of The West Wing would help. But really, it sounds like you have a handle on all the factors to consider. It'll be exciting, not overwhelming! Definitely a good kind of screwed!

Heather said...

I am glad you posted because I was going to email you. I wanted to hear what it was like up there from someone on the inside. No pressure, but we are all counting on YOU to fix this country.

E :) said...

Phew!

Violet said...

I'm sure you'll do great. Something your kids'll be be proud of once they're old enough to care.

Jill said...

Definitely a good kind of screwed.

Here in Minneapolis we're sending you Keith Ellison. Take good care of him.

Brian said...

My advice to you would be the following, in order:
- Change coaches after the season, Green is gone anyway
- Upgrade the offensive line through the draft and, if possible, free agency
- Assure both Cardinals fans out there that you are committed to building a winner
- Tell the owner he needs to be committed to building a winner

What, you didn't need that kind of advice? Oh well.

And like someone else said, at least you're not like my wife, who has to watch some of her best friends lose their jobs.