I Knit What??

A couple of weeks ago, on a night when I wasn’t too tired to see after Lumpyhead had gone to bed, I decided to knit a hat for Akutaq. I thought it would be cute to plunk a hand-made hat on her conehead after she was born; her first pictures could be in something other than standard-issue hospital garb.

I liked that while I was knitting the hat, I felt I was building a connection to the baby. She would kick or roll and I would think, “This is for you, little one.”

When we found out about Lumpyhead, I knit booties. We mailed them to our parents with a note to call us, and that’s how we told them I was pregnant. The booties were a quick project, each one taking only a few hours. Knitting them was fun, each stitch was part of a secret we were sharing. I didn’t worry about how they turned out - no one was ever going to wear them, so I didn’t care how big or small they were - I just needed to end up with two that were about the same size.

I am not an expert knitter by any stretch, but I know how to do the basic stitches and can usually limp around a pattern enough to complete a project. While I won’t learn to play bridge - much to Bump, Aunt Bob and Pete’s frustration - because I’ve labeled it an activity for old people, knitting I’m fine with.

So, here’s a dilemma: when you’re not very good at knitting, you tend to chose easy patterns. Easy patterns tend to be ugly.

The booties? Yeah, the booties were ugly. But they looked like baby booties, which was the sole point of their existence. (Heh: bootie, sole. Get it? Get it!?) I found a hat pattern in the same book the booties were in - a horrid but useful little pamphlet called “First Steps in Knitting” that I probably bought at a Walmart in Minnesota. (What’s that noise? Could those be warning bells? Naw, I'm sure it's nothing, I'll just ignore it.) I happily set off, using a pretty variegated pastel yarn that was girly and soft.

The end product was, well, dismal. The hat only took a couple of days, so at least I didn’t waste too much time on it. Instead of creating blocks of color that meld into one another, the variegated yarn looked muddy when knitted. The hat’s shape is odd, it would need a good deal of blocking to look round. It’s dimensions are . . . off. The pattern said it was sized for a newborn, but dear god, if I gave birth to something with a head that fits into that hat, I think I’d split in two.

So I did what anyone in my situation would do: I asked a talented knitter to whip up a proper hat for Akutaq.

But I think the hat I made looks quite ghetto on Baby Tad. (You know, as ghetto as a pastel baby bonnet can look.)

Baby Tad: I’m so mortified to be wearing this abomination. Remove this purported headgear at once!

(Whatever, Baby Tad. You cry “Let’s snuggle!” at irregular intervals, like you had any street cred to begin with.)


A note about the title: I was very sad to see the YKW blog go dark, but if you're looking for a little fun, go browse their archives.