Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Probably Now Owe Harry Belafonte Sixty Bazillion Dollars in Royalties

In full flaunt of copyright laws everywhere, I present to you:

Sooo Big!
Music credits: Jump in the Line, composed by Stephen Somvel and performed by Harry Belafonte

I’ve replaced the audio of the footage so you won’t recoil in horror at the sound of my squealing voice. I think I managed to edit out most of my big butt.

Also behold the World's Skinniest Child. I swear we spend all day following him around with food. We're trying our damnedest to fatten him up, but we haven't had much success. We're limited by the following factors:

1) Lumpyhead won't eat meat. I've been hesitant to tell you about this, because I'm a little horrified that Bump and I seem to have produced a vegetarian child. Bump and I are both dedicated carnivores ("A meal without meat is like a day without sunshine."), and while I know some very nice vegetarians, they puzzle me. ("What do you mean you don't eat meat? Not even bacon?") Bump and I are just so flabbergasted when the boy won't eat sausage ("But it's sausage! It's made of pork! Pork is good!") we don't know what to do. He refuses chicken. He spits out ground beef. He likes tofu. [shudder] We don't know how to begin to prepare tofu. I mean, once you've laughed at it, what do you do next? At the Chinese barbeque hosted by Bump's brother-in-law, Lumpyhead tore into the tofu. We order it for him when we go out, but we're both a little too intimidated to try to prepare tofu at home. Plus, it would mean one of us would have to endure the embarrassment of standing in the checkout line at the grocery store with tofu.

2) Lumpyhead loves fruits and vegetables. He'll eat cherries until his stomach explodes. If he's refusing everything else, he can be convinced to eat some green beans or edamame.

3) Lumpyhead has bottom issues. Hence we don't want to stuff him with cheese. We've just started giving him bananas, because he loves them (see #2) and they don't seem to stop him up.

We try to butter everything. We've replaced most of his water with juice or milk. We're constantly haranguing him to Eat Something. He does like sweets, but a lunch of brownies and M&Ms doesn't seem like a good idea, even though the baby would be all for it. Any suggestions, other than putting half and half in his sippy cup?


Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

The cuteness is overwhelming.

He can be a vegetarian with Claudia. I don't know what her problem is either.

For fattening up the boy, might I suggest McDonalds french fries.

After he turns 21 (heh) I would say beer, mudslides and eggnog.

stefanierj said...

My momz is a ped. nutritionist, so I can give you her email addy if you want, but when the Junipers were having the same problem, she said-don't laugh!--the exact thing you suggested: add a bit of cream to his milk, put butter on vegetables, and you may want to try ice cream every once in a while....but I'm sure her advice would be more better and way more clinical-y sounding.

Sooper cuh-yoot!

Suz said...

Okay! That's adorable! That kid's going to be at the head of his own congo line someday - just wait!

Teresita said...

No suggestions - but YEAH for the the vegetarians!

And you can buy fake bacon. Its yummy.

Melissa said...

Gah! The boy is perfect, I tell you, PERFECT. They do tend to slim down a bit when they get to walking.

But olive oil is nice. So are avocados. And tofu is fine just plain (or prepared however you prepare your meat), though I wouldn't personally touch the stuff.

Violet said...

I love tofu, and it sounds like you should learn to love it too...

Anonymous said...

First, that is so completely adorable. Love the arms in the air walking!

Second, as a non-vegetarian who makes and eats tofu, I say - it is easy.
suggestion 1, heat oil in nonstick pan. Hot. Add (diced) extra firm tofu, let it sit there for a while, till it gets crispy. Then scootch around so other sides get brown too.
suggestion 2 - stir fry some veggies (carrots, green beans, whathaveyou, when mostly done add diced extra firm tofu and toss in some saucey thing (ada is addicted to Trader Joe's soyaki, but any sauce works, pretty much). Toss and behold, it is dinner. (not for you, clearly, but for the little one)

We also make a mean tofu & broccoli in peanutbutter sauce. Very good, very easy. Feeds 5,000.

Melissa said...

Some kids don't like meat when they are little because you have to chew it too much. Or that's what they told me anyway. I actually have some expreience in trying to fatten up my kiddos. Avacodo, pizza (you can do it with no cheese or very little, put a few teaspoons of oatmeal into his bottle or sippy cup with milk. Pancakes, hash browns & um...tofu...just kidding. I wouldn't know how to prepare it either. It's a hard thing a kid who doesn't want to eat. And the harder thing is not just giving them a butt load of sugar. Good luck.

Mom at Work said...

Are we talking about the same kid? The one who finished up all of little guy's dino crackers on Sunday (gleefully taunting the dog with his one in each hand display)? The one who cries when the cookies are all gone?

Seriously, Pete has a good tofu preparation that sounds somewhat like nonlineargirl's. (After all, his wife did crave tofu during her pregnancy.)

Maybe if you offer him the jarred stuff, he'll see what a sweet deal the regular chewable meat is. Cause jarred babyfood meat = nasty.