Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Phase 1: Collect Underpants. Phase 3: Profit.

For a stay-home dad who has spent the last three years immersed in bodily fluids, Bump is remarkably squeamish about the thought of being peed on. Or cleaning up pee. Or pee being anywhere but a bladder or a diaper or a toilet.

I'm not saying I'm a big fan of misplaced urine (Gidge's post has an Ew Factor that I still can't shake) (Bump, for the love of god, do NOT click that link!) but I can't say I'm afraid of a little pee. It's mostly water. It's not radioactive.

Bump's discomfort has become relevant because we've moved past the stage of "appropriate" and into the stage of "high time" for Lumpyhead to be toilet trained. Lumpyhead seems to understand the process, and is certainly physically ready to be trained. Problem is, diapers and even the "cool-feel" pull-ups don't provide the sensation Lumpyhead needs to reliably use the potty. He needs to be in underwear.

My problems are two-fold. First, see above regarding Bump not being all that excited about puddles in the living room. Originally there was the "new carpet" and "on the market" excuse to not let Lumpyhead pee on the floor. Now there's the "decent thing to do" reason for not saddling the new owner with recently laid urine-scented carpet. My suggestion of covering the floor with a layer of newspaper was met with the withering reaction it probably deserved.

Second, Lumpyhead has requested Monsters, Inc. underpants. Mr. Bile underpants, specifically. Mr. Bile - his friends call him Phlegm - would be the first monster in the movie, who fails miserably at scaring the trainee child. I can't find Monsters, Inc. underpants, period. I'm fairly certain that if there is a company out there making Monsters, Inc. underpants, Mr. Bile is not among the featured characters.

I'm going to have to buy plain underwear and iron on pirated screen captures of Mr. Bile, aren't I? You may remember how well my last iron-on experience went (see pictures 6 and 7).

Lumpyhead's second request, after Bump told him we probably couldn't find Mr. Bile underpants, was for Mr. Waternoose underpants. Sigh.

No one's making those, either, Buddy. I think your father wants you to wait and pee on the floor of the rental house anyway. When I'll be home to clean it up.


De in D.C. said...

I think undies featuring movie licensed characters only appear on the market for a year or two after the movie comes out. With that in mind, you need to find underwear from circa 2001-2002. Good luck with that. Why couldn't the kid just want Thomas and Bob undies like every other 3yo?

And you probably shouldn't show Bump this thread: http://crunchychicken.blogspot.com/search/label/Golden%20Party

vuboq said...

vuboq thinks he's missing a joke ... where's Phase 2?

vuboq is also *very* glad that he doesn't have to deal with toilet training.

Em said...

I see iron on decals in your future. Or you could just buy him some Thomas underwear and hope he's excited.

Auntly H said...

embroidery? too girly, right?

Gidge said...

I'm still scarred.....I may never recover....

Violet said...

Those first few days, until my daughter figured out how to hold her wees in, were really bloody stressful for me. I was running around with folded towels to put them under her bum wherever she sat down. It helped to start with short undie periods though.