Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I’m Crazy Spoon Head. Now Gimme Some Candy

I have a dentist appointment next Wednesday. I’m going to reschedule, because I don’t think I can bear to go to the goddamned dentist on Halloween.

Halloween is for stuffing your mouth full of mini candy bars before your kid sees you, then hiding the wrappers beneath a layer or two of kleenex in the trash can. Halloween is not for flossing. (Because flossing right before my appointment is sure to fool Gwen the Hygienist into thinking I’ve been faithfully flossing daily for the last six months.)

I’m sure the dentist’s office will understand that I can’t make my appointment because I’ll be too busy hoarding my son’s hard-won booty and/or stealing the stash Bump ostensibly purchased for the couple of random trick-or-treaters who wander by.

I want to leave work early on the 31st so I can take Lumpyhead trick-or-treating, not to have someone poke at my gums until they bleed. (Yes, I understand that the bleeding is related to the not-flossing. Back off. God, you’re as bad as Gwen the Hygienist.)

Lumpyhead is going trick-or-treating as DJ Lance Rock. It will either be really cool or the lamest costume ever. I suspect that no one over the age of four will have any idea who the hell the kid in the orange jump suit is supposed to be. (A really skinny convict? Why does he have a furry hat?)

Unrelated to Halloween, our receptionist - who I suspect is evil - keeps a candy dish stocked outside my office. I have discovered that I love caramel peanut butter cups. Also, when did they start making Milk Duds out of crack? Because, damn.


nonlineargirl said...

Once again I suspect we were separated at birth. I am so screwed when Ada gets better at identifying the smell of chocolate. For now when she asks "what are you eating?" I say "crackers" no matter what's in my mouth. It seems to work. (in a related thought - how glad am I that she can't spell?)

Becky said...

Dentist + Halloween = Scary. Boo! Don't do it.

Mom at Work said...

My chief of staff keeps the candy. 70% cocoa dark chocolate squares and mini reese's cups are my downfall.

I suspect the little guy will be harder to steal from this year.

merseydotes said...

Eat the candy when the kids are in bed! Unless they count it the night before or unless you steal their favorite, they won't notice.

I have been dying for a month to dress up as Amy Winehouse (black out a tooth, buy a beehive wig, put on lots of eyeliner, draw on some tats, get really hammered), but I don't know how that would go over with the neighborhood trick or treaters.

tammy said...

Here are some tips:

1. Buy good candy & then switch all of Lumpyhead's crappy with your good stuff. That way the kids coming to your house get the crap their parents bought & you get to eat the good stuff.

2. TV is a great distraction for your candy stealing. Oh you want to watch SpongeBob for the 80th time, sure...

3. You can also hide the candy under your shirt & go into your bedroom or bathroom to eat it when they get older, they usually don't catch on. If they do, just tell them something like "I can have the candy, I don't hit my brother" or "I didn't forget to do my homework in afterschool".

bozoette said...

I used to tell my kid that candy was poison and I was eating it so he wouldn't die. Maybe that's why he's a cop now. I don't know; I keep looking for explanations.

Em said...

I am laughing so hard from all of the candy stealing/hoarding techniques that it is hard to type.

We will need pics of DJ Lance Lumpyhead.

Definitely reschedule the dentist. Don't get me started on the time I went to the dentist on my birthday.

Anne said...

Is "DJ Lance" a reference to something I don't understand because I don't watch children's television, or is that just a general concept costume? I can't wait to see it!!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

And Whoppers? Also laced with crack. I can't stop.