Monday, December 18, 2006

Fucking Hormones

Yesterday as Lumpyhead and I went to K-Mart -- wait, I can explain. I have a perfectly reasonable excuse for why I was going to K-Mart, I just . . . can't tell you about it. It involves Bump's Christmas present and -- (sigh) oh God, that sounds even worse. Yes, I got Bump's Christmas present from K-Mart, but it's not what you think. I mean. . . oh, never mind.

So, while Lumpyhead and I went to K-Mart (shudder), I heard the world's worst Christmas carol on the radio.

Have you heard this one? It's called Christmas Shoes and it's about this kid who perpetrates a fast con on some chump in a department store. The kid tells the mark he's buying some shoes for his mother, who is dying, and when he comes up short on cash, the mark forks over the difference. A few minutes later the kid exchanges the shoes at a different register and uses the money to buy meth.

The song is sung from the point of view of the mark, so you don't hear the "chump" or "exchange" or "meth" part, but it's obvious that's what is going on.

The mark should tell the child that if mama's really dying, she doesn't want shoes. Seriously, no one's gonna see her shoes, even if it's an open casket. Use that money to buy some concealer, which is what she really wants to cover up that death pall she's sporting.

Mama wants to look her best if she meets Jesus tonight? Of course she does. I mean, we all know how judgy that guy is. "Girrrl, you did not wear those old things to come see me. It's my dad-damned birthday, and you show up in last season's hospital slippers? Oh, oh no you didn't."

(Aside: why does Jesus always sound like a gay man from the South in my head? Is it just me, or does he sound like that to you, too?)

I realize I should have snapped the radio to another channel immediately when this horrible song came on, but for some reason I didn't. "This is called Christmas crap," I cheerily told Lumpyhead.

Then I started to tear up.

This has got to be rock-bottom, right? Welling up over the Shittiest Christmas Carol Ever on the way to K-Mart -- it can't get any worse than that.

I mean, I'm uncomfortable and large and Akutaq is kicking a lot. I've got heartburn and stretch marks and puffy hands and swollen feet and faux-sciatica pain, but this? This I will not abide. I will not allow this pregnancy to turn me into the kind of dickhead who cries over shit on bad radio.

What's worse, that craptastic anus pimple of a song was stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

11 comments:

laurie said...

oh man. you've got it bad. at least you can still swear with the best of em.

Anonymous said...

That song is a pox on mankind... much like "Butterfly Kisses"

And "craptastic anus pimple" is immediately going into my lexicon...

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Do you want me to send someone some hate mail?

I assume you can't tell the internet what you got for Bump, but if you could let me know I will trade you that information for a size 2T winter coat, 1 tickle me Elmo (old school) and two pairs of shoes that Ian never wore (because they aren't black) that are already in a box with Lumpyhead's name on it.

Anonymous said...

Delurking just to say that I hate that song so much I can't even put it into words. And I hate it even more because everytime I hear it, I know that somewhere, there is a woman in a Christmas sweater sniffling at how beautiful it is.

la dra said...

boy, you're fiesty when you're pregnant! ;)

Bozoette said...

'Tis the season, dear. And you ain't seen hormones until you get the menopause hormones and find yourself pulling over to weep at NPR commentaries. Jesus H. Christ, them's hormones.

E :) said...

Those hormones make you bloody entertaining for us though!

Seriously, I hope all is ok. Crying over a crappy Christmas song is not good.

Anonymous said...

I've heard that singing "Cold Hearted Snake" to yourself will get rid of any song stuck in your brain. I do not know whether CHS replaces it or just deletes the insidious tune. You'd have to ask Lime & Violet about that - I, thankfully, can't remember enough of the words. Yet. No, thank you, I don't need your assistance.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear Lord how I hate that song!

Violet said...

I'm pleased to say that we don't have that song playing on the radio in NZ. but soon we'll be hearing Snoopy's Christmas (you know, the one with the Red Baron) tons of times on the radio.

Julie said...

I hate that song. If I remember correctly, it's adapted from a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" story. Which makes it worse.