Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Reports from Solitude

Bump called yesterday to confirm that he and the tormentors arrived safe and sound at his mother's.

When they got there, Bump's mother had the door to the lanai open to enjoy the warm breeze. Then the weather turned humid and a little rainy, so she closed the door.

Lumpyhead, not realizing his environment had changed, promptly ran into the door at full speed.

I keep telling Bump that he needs to get that kind of shit on video. I didn't send him to Florida with the video camera just to boost the weight of his checked baggage, goddammit.

Instead I had to settle for the verbal report, and am left to imagine Lumpyhead's bewildered and dazed expression as he rubbed his nose.

He Gets the "Awareness of His Surroundings" From Me
During one of my first trips to the beach I walked directly into a closed screen door. I was trying to get to the deck in a hurry, and the door was open just a minute before, and I bounced off that sumbitch like it was a trampoline. I wasn't even drunk. (Yet.)

My housemates laughed at me. I admit it was probably funny. Later, one of the guys who laughed at me walked though the same screen door. But because he was drunk at the time and a lot bigger than me, he tore the door completely out of the frame and came down on the other side with a crash. That was funnier.

Entertain Me
Hey, you know what else is funny? When people fall on ice. I mean, I always try to be worried about their well-being (are you okay? anything broken?) but I find it HIGH-larious. I doubt I'm taken very seriously when I ask about the victim's status, because I'm always giggling like a monkey.

What do you find funny? Rather, what things do you find inappropriately funny? What is the meanest thing you ever laughed at?


Em said...

I've got a wiping out on ice story for you:
Back when I used to work I had a presentation to give with my boss. Cary dropped me off at the T station to meet her. I was all dressed up, of course. I got out of our car, looked up, gave her a friendly wave, and then, whoosh, I disappeared from view as I wiped out in front of both of them.

So much of my fall was forward motion that I didn't even run my pantyhose.

Also, I laughed uncontrollably recently while watching The Soup as a TV reporter looked up only to have a bird shit in his mouth.

merseydotes said...

One of my favorite memories as a kid is seeing my sister run right into a pane of glass that separated the hot tub/sauna area of our hotel from the pool area. She thought it was the doorway and barreled right into it.

You should have been outside my driveway at about 6:10 last night. After a hellacious commute to get Petunia and a stop at the grcoery store (no ice anywhere), I pulled into my driveway, which had a layer of black ice on it, unbeknownst to me. I stepped out of the car, went to round the car to get Petunia out of her seat and promptly wiped out, landing completely on my left side. My ankle is missing a chunk of skin, and my whole left leg is sore today despite 3 Advil before bed last night and 3 more this morning before work. I think I'm going to have some serious bruising.

Michele said...

I was kicked out of yoga for laughing at all of the farting. Seriously, was I the only one in the class not living on beans and brussel sprouts? It was ridiculous.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Like Michele, I went to a yoga class once and the singing was so funny I almost died.

Unlike some people I don't laugh when my kids get locked in rooms.

Julie said...

Apparently, falling on the ice is epidemic this week. I just slipped on my way to my car after work Monday night, and since it was 1:30 am, there was nobody there to help me or to laugh at me.


Anonymous said...

When my daughter was a newborn my husband was changing her diaper. Before he could get the new one on she projectile pooped on his foot. Seriously, it shot straight out and landed right on his foot when he was standing up to get something. I was rolling on the bed laughing and he got so mad at me because I was laughing too hard to get up and help him. Ahh, good times.

E :) said...

I used to work in a clothing store with a glass front. People were always walking headfirst into the glass, thinking it was an open front door (um, there were dummies in the store window so I don't know how they kept mixing it up). The funniest thing was when women were perfectly made up, they often left a perfect imprint of their makeup (and therefore their face) on the front of the glass. Usually I couldn't stop myself from laughing while the particular victim was still in earshot.

Violet said...

I've soberly walked into doors before too. And skidded in brand-new leather-soled shoes, landing on my bum in the middle of the street. And worn a home-made wrap skirt that unravelled in the middle of the street while both hands were full of groceries. And called people by the wrong name - several times. And leaped onto friends who turned out to be complete strangers.

Yes, I am more of an object of hilarity, than an observer.

Karen said...

I laugh at all sorts of inappropriate stuff. Mostly my kids, who don't appreciate it when they are hurt. But really, who just slides off the dining room chairs like that?
My favorite story, which I cannot tell out loud without crying, or snorting, is about my oldest. We were on vacation just me and my 3 year old daughter at my parent's house. She has been known to fall out of bed, so I put her to bed on the bottom trundle bed, close to the floor. You know the mattress pulls out from under a tall single bed. In the middle of the night I hear this desperate crying plea of "MOOMMMYY". I go in and turn on the light and cannot see her. I frantically say "Where are you" and then I see this little hand sticking out from under the bed. She somehow had rolled off the mattress and into the space under the bed where it had been stored. The space was so tiny she couldn't get back out. I was HYSTERICALLY laughing at this little waving hand and sad help coming from under the bed. I could barely get it together enough to get her out. And yes, this story is in the book for the therapist to refer to later in her life!

bozoette said...

Probably the time my brother heard a crash outside his house in the middle of the night. A drunk had crashed her car into his car -- IN HIS DRIVEWAY -- and the noise work him up. He went to run down the stairs and tripped over the yappy little dog, fell down the stairs, leapt up, lost his balance and fell into the front door, finally got the door open and ran outside in his bare feet onto the walkway that was covered with broken glass... you get the idea. I laughed for DAYS.

And the bird shit in the mouth on The Soup? HIGH-sterical.

Becky said...

I still laugh about teaching friends to drive a stick shift. The jerking, the car dying, the lurching, the panic. The cars lining up behind us. The honking. More panic. OMG. I'm laughing right now. Is that inappropriate?

Mamma said...

A mother after my own heart.

Get that shit on video!!!

Ma Mcfartington said...

I always laugh when someone walks/runs into a pole. I laughed a lot the year I taught at a school that poles all over the place & at least once a week a kid (or myself) walked into one.

Anonymous said...

I. Love. Bicycle falls!! Hilarious. I am a big fan of AFV, and when they show their bicycle montage, I had better not be drinking anything, let me tell you. I found one for you to enjoy:
Oh, man, I cried tears of joy when I watched that. -DQ

Doctor Family said...

I was working out at the gym early one morning which is the same time all the elderly people roll out. An old lady was on the treadmill and unfortunately for her, she pushed the speed up button a little faster than her feet could carry her. You can deduce the end result...she flew off the back of the belt and landed face first, belly down on the floor. She was fine (thank goodness because if not I'd never be forgiven for my laughter) but her glasses didn't fit her head the same afterwards and they were smeared with the cosmetics she'd applied by 5:45 a.m. I've replayed that scene over and over in my head and it's still funny. Karma man...I'm in trouble.