Did You Just Call Me a Dipshit?

Lula needs her birth certificate for her first day of preschool, and I’m a bad mother who forgot about it until now. Lumpyhead had a copy of his birth certificate by the time he was two months old. Poor, neglected second child.

What do you mean you don't have a copy of my birth certificate? I better not miss school because you're a dipshit.

I have resubmitted the paperwork. Again.

I’m pretty sure the people at the Virginia Department of Vital Records are now just fucking with me.

The first time my application was returned due to an unacceptable copy of my identification. Which: okay, right, I'll grant that the picture on my photocopied drivers license is too dark. But since I'm mailing it in and not actually presenting myself for confirmation, do you really need to know what I look like? To what will you be comparing the now-crystal-clear version of my image, exactly?

I attached an enlarged, beautifully rendered copy of my drivers license to the application and sent it back.

Yesterday I received another "try again, idiot" note from our fair Commonwealth. This time, the box indicating "no signature" was checked. I looked carefully, and I had indeed signed the form, next to the word SIGNATURE that the helpful folks at the Department of Vital Records highlighted and circled in red. Highlighted and circled, right next to my signature.

Um. . .

A hand-written addendum to the no signature box said simply “Need live signature.” I have no idea what that means. I’m pretty sure signatures are not living things. I don’t know how to resuscitate it or keep it twitching on the page, and I cannot beam it via satellite to Richmond, for that matter, if that’s the definition of “live” they’re talking about.

On the first try I had filled out the form, stuck it on the copier with my ID, pressed “go,” and mailed it in. (One page! Oh the efficiency!) Maybe because the signature was photocopied it was not acceptable (something they could have told me the first time, perhaps? The first time, when I sent in exactly the same application?) so I signed the form again - in blue ink so they could tell it wasn’t a copy - right next to the first signature.

I half expect my application will be returned to me in a few days, unfulfilled for some lame-ass reason like "unable to complete your request because it is partly cloudy on a Tuesday."

Let's just forge one. Com'on, it's not like it will be the only fake ID I'll ever have.