Rawr

Yes, Aunt Bob is right (Aunt Bob is always right), at least Three-and-a-Half is cute.

Oh HAI

Hey look, Three-and-a-Half is back in our lives. And Three-and-a-Half is still an asshole.

Somehow I had forgotten that. Or I hoped that Two-and-a-Half was so miserable it meant that Three-and-a-Half wouldn't be so bad. Or would skip us altogether.

I was wrong. Woe.

Half-Ass Household Tip #1

Because I know this site is the first one you click on for helpful household hints.

(And I put a "#1" up there in the title, but honestly, if I'm half-assing it right, there won't be any more. Because after this one, I'm kind of tapped out.)

So: Are you like me? Is your maple syrup actually maple syrup, and not maple-flavored corn syrup?

PRO: It tastes a lot better. CON: Instead of a convenient squeeze bottle with a log cabin or a mammy on it, it arrives in a glass bottle or something with a top that looks like this.

Now, I know you think you can use something like that to adorn your children's toaster waffles. But you can't. You will spend months trying to achieve the perfect angle, one that does not leave you standing in the kitchen for fourteen hours over now-cold waffles and won't deposit a huge glop of syrup in the wrong spot.

Let me tell you: that angle does not exist. Something about the viscosity of the syrup and the rate at which it leaves the bottle . . . okay, I'm making that shit up. Ask the Mythbusters or something. But I'm telling you that you will end up with unsatisfactory syrup results. Every time.

This is what you should do. Go buy one of these:

This is a candy-making one from a craft store, but I've also seen them at party stores and kitchen places. Sometimes they're called ketchup and mustard bottles. They're super cheap - I think this one came in a set of two for less than a dollar. (I'd get the clear ones, though, so you don't mistake it for another condiment in your fridge.)

Ta da! Perfect syrup placement, every time. You can draw faces or swirls on pancakes, or place decorative dots in each square of a waffle. Or, if you're like me, you can just squirt it on haphazardly and rejoice that you're not cleaning huge globs of syrup from sleeves every damn morning.

You're welcome. Now, where did I put that tiny red cap?

Reprise

Nathan Jr found this hat in the toy box.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MAH BABY?

So, That Was a Thing

When the first Promoted Tweet slipped in, I was confused.

When the second one showed up, it prompted an internet search.

By the third, I was annoyed enough to quit using twitter. Sorry if you've been posting all your best stuff in less than 140 characters, but I am no longer reading you over there.